Funny quotes and sayings

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Do you like to make people laugh? We have prepared for you the best funny quotes and sayings, which you can use to entertain your friends and beloved people. Using these funny quotes you will easily create a stunning greeting card or post on such social networks as Facebook or Twitter.

Funny quotes on images

Funny quotes

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

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Hilarious quotes

Below, the most hilarious quotes you can find online. This is a multi-functional collection, which you can use for many different occasions. Your friends will enjoy reading these quotes.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.

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Short funny quotes

The following short funny quotes should be used every time when you are composing a message or card for your friends or colleagues.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He`s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

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Cool quotes

You will not find better sayings than the following cool quotes. These sayings are very creative and wise. Reading them will give you a lot of motivation and inspirations for the entire day.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

Cool quotes and images

Funny life quotes

You can find millions of quotes and sayings about love and life. However, the following funny life quotes are completely different. This is a perfect selection of quotes, which you can use for composing greeting cards or for preparing a speech due to a special occasion.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

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Joke quotes

Below, you will discover one of the biggest and the most creative collections of joke quotes. This is the easiest way to entertain your friends and family members. Watching your beloved people smiling, you will simultaneously cheer yourself up.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Anyone who uses the phrase “”easy as taking candy from a baby”” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

You couldn’t get a clue during the clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

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Funny cute quotes

It is very difficult to find better funny cute quotes than these ones. These quotes will entertain you and all people you will share these quotes with.

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

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